what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
