if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
