we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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