I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
