i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
