He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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