I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
