I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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