dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
