i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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