I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
