Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
