matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
