woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
