I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i think i have herpe
just one?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
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