**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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