How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
