3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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