So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to calm my uterus...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
