I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
