I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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