I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He better not be in your backpack
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
