wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
