mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
