Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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