Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
