I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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