I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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