I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
