I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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