Your face is a jimmy john
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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