wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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