Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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