he told me I talked like a deaf person
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
