my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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