just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
