When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
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