Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
