I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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