I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
