at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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