Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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