I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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