the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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