I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
