dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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