remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
