i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
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i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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