Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got inside last night via doggy door
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
