thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm too high and old for this...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
