when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
