I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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