I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Umm I'm too high to move.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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